Know them better than they know themselves.

People ask us all the time what do we do to have a healthy and happy marriage.  I can say that it is bunch of little things that all point to one main factor…We are best friends.

Now think a best friend that you may have.   What is it that draws you to them?  Is it the way they have the same common interests that you do, like sports or clothes?  Did you grow up together, or where your parents friends?  Did you meet at school or at a summer camp?

Now for Becky and I this was not our case.  We grew up in slightly different backgrounds.  We went to different schools and had different interests. I was and am a total jock and love sports.

Becky, on the other hand, is not into sports at all.  The same goes for clothes.  Becky always looks cute in whatever she is wearing and makes a conscious effort to look nice for me everyday.  For me, I like clothes, but after 11 years working in an an office to being a work-at-home dad, I go for what is more comfortable.

So for us we know that there are some things that we have in common and others that we don’t.  I think people try to find a partner that they are 100% compatible with, but that doesn’t always work.

I think honesty is the first way to keep a healthy relationship with anyone you come in contact with.  I think this is something that our parents all tried to teach us as kids.  Being 100% honest with your parents, your friends, your  kids, your spouse will save you from lying and getting in trouble later.

I will give you an example of this. If Becky wants to buy a new shirt there is a whole big process that goes into it, not just going to the store and buying it.  It goes a little like this…

She will see the shirt on-line or in a magazine.  She will set time aside to find out when she can go to the store and see if we have anything else going on first.  She will then drive to the the store.  She will pick it out and will try it on (100% of the time).  She will then look at herself in the mirror and debate in her mind if she likes it.

 She will then debate if she had on a pair of jeans instead of shorts will she like it better.  She will then go out of the dressing room and look for a pair of jeans to wear while trying on the shirt.

She will then go back to the dressing room with the jeans and start the process all over again.  She will then take a picture of herself in the outfit and send it to her Mom to get her opinion.

She will wait in the dressing room for her mom to call her back, while still debating if she likes it.  Her Mom will call her back (probably not text) and will tell her that she likes it.  She will then say, ok and tell her mom why she doesn’t think she likes it  anymore and try to get her Mom to change her mind to not like it.

 She will finally say, “OK, I’ll get it” and will hang up. She will continue to look at the outfit in the mirror and will probably try it back on with shorts… then again with jeans.

She will then quietly call me from the dressing room, while still looking at the outfit in the mirror to see if the price is too much for a shirt.  I will say “No” 100 % of the time because she is the best at finding a deal.

She will then hang up and continue to debate if it is worth the money and where she will wear it, and how many times she will wear it.   She will then decide to buy it…for now.

She will ask a sales associate what they think of it, and then a random person who is also there shopping.  She will proceed to the check out and then ask the person checking her out if they like it.

She will finally buy the shirt.

After walking out the doors, she will think about the shirt the entire way to the car…”Did I really need the shirt…should I just return it?  She will then get in the car, but will not leave.  She will pull the shirt out and hold it up with looking in the rear view mirror, debating if she should keep it.  Was it worth the money?  Should she have saved the money or bought something for me or the kids?

She finally leaves and the whole car ride she is thinking about the shirt and wonders what I will think of it.  She’ll be thinking, “Will Mic like it… will he think it is too much money… will he like the color… will he like the pattern…”

She then comes home and goes straight upstairs to try it on, AGAIN.  Then she will debate if she should keep it.  She then calls me in and asks, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Now I may not like it 100%,  but I may really like the color, or the pattern, or the way it looks on her. I will always tell her what I LIKE about it, not what I don’t like.  I know that she will always have a list of Pros and Cons of every purchase. So it is very important for me to point out the the things about the shirt I like, and leaving out the negative things I don’t like.

Becky and I were told by a wise person a long time ago that you should “treat your spouse like you would your best house guest.”  You should go out of your way to make sure that they are always welcome, loved, needs are taken care of, they feel comfortable in your presence, and never feel unwelcome or want to leave.  They should feel safe when they are with you, feel peaceful and not stressed.

So one day I realized…

If she puts this much effort into finding a shirt…imagine how she is with our children and with myself.

She worries about them, she thinks about them, she cares about them. She does the same for me.

We understand each other more than we understand ourselves.   That’s what it’s all about.