Yes… kids need your attention the most when they deserve it the least. Some of you know that my wife is a play-therapist. This means that she works with kids, under the age of 3, that have a delay of some sort. One of her clients has an anger and behavior issue, so she was doing some research when she came across an interesting article.
The article was about helping the angry child. It was spot on because everything that I read was something that I could relate to, and I think that you will find the same to be true. The post is from AHA parenting and this is the part that stood out to me:
” Remember that kids need your love & attention the most when they “deserve it least.” Instead of a “time out,” which gives kids the message that they’re all alone with these big, scary feelings, try a “time in,” during which you stay with your child and help him move through his feelings. You’ll be amazed at how your child begins to show self-control when you adopt this practice because he feels less helpless and alone.
Stay close and connected when your child is upset. If you know what’s going on, acknowledge it:
“You are so angry that your tower fell.” If you don’t know [what happened], say what you see: “You are crying now.”
Give explicit permission: “It’s ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out.” If you can touch him, do so to maintain the connection: “Here’s my hand on your back. You’re safe. I’m here.”
If he yells at you to go away, say: “You want me to go away? I’ll be over here when you are ready to talk. We are going to talk through this.”
It will be a change to do these things, even in our home, because we normally say “Go ahead to your room until you are ready to come back and talk to us about this.”
I want to try this idea instead.
I really connected with the sentence about how kids need you the most when they deserve it the least... like when they are misbehaving. Sort of like you are asking them to help you find the solution, so you can really help them. You can read the rest of the full article here.
I am the football and wrestling coach for our kids’ teams and when other kids are late, I WANT to make them run laps, but I fight that urge, because I know that it isn’t really their fault for being late (since they can’t drive).
It is sort of like this article. I have to remind myself that these kids deserve to be out on the field. Instead of a “time out” from the team, it is more important that they are involved, as they already missed bonding that happened before practice. So… when they deserve my attention the LEAST (for being late), this is when I need to give it to THE MOST (to catch them up and make them feel a part of the team.)
If you walk away with anything after reading this today, walk away with this: Kids need love and attention the MOST when they deserve it the LEAST.
More posts you might like:
Just wanted to say, I loved this blog post. It was inspiring.
Thanks Tommy, I know we all have “those” days when it can be tough, but that is also when it can be the most rewarding. Parenting is not supposed to be easy all the time if it were we would be doing something wrong. Those are the times that make us better parents.