I am all for rewarding kids for their accomplishments in life, but I believe people need to stop giving trophies to every kid, for everything! I want them to do well in sports, but we want them to earn what they get.
Before you read this, know that I am talking to myself as much as to other parents out there.
Parents… since when has just playing a sport or participating in an activity become not enough to our kids? Extra-cirriclular activities, like sports, are one place where our kids have a chance to be different and to excel, but trophies are give to e everyone. Why? Because “WE” as parents wanted it this way. We want are kids to feel special all the time, and I am just a guilty. However, in the real world, we are not all created equal and we are not all given the same reward.
If you want to be the Student of the Month you have to show the teacher why you “deserve” it or you have to “earn” it. It is not given to every student. I tell my kids, if that is one of your goals for this school year, you have to show your teachers that you want it. They will not just give it to you. You have to try your hardest, be helpful and respectful all the time.
The other day we were on our way to our last soccer practice of the season. (NOTE: we switched leagues this season, so this was our first season with this new league and probably our last)
Our oldest son, Jack, asked: “Dad do we get a trophy this year?” I already knew the answer to this. So I hesitated to answer and then replied: “Yes, Jack, everyone gets one this year.”
I was surprised what he said next. Jack (age 8) said “Dad, I don’t think it’s fair that everyone gets a trophy. Half of the kids don’t even come to practice or show up to the games and they get a trophy, too?” Then he thought for another minute before adding “I would rather have to work hard to EARN the trophy by winning than to just get it. We haven’t won a game all year, so we shouldn’t be getting a trophy!”
I would have to say that I agree 100% with him. I think that we give out “participation awards/trophies” to everyone to make everyone feel good and like they accomplished something. As an athlete and a coach, I do not think this teaches kids the value of working hard, only that they will get something just for being one on a team.
Think about this with your own job: If you were on a group assignment with ten other people and only 1/2 of you showed up and did all the work (you were one of the ones that worked). Come payday, all ten of you were paid the same amount. Is this fair? Is it right? Would it make you feel good? Did it teach you a lesson? (I guess it would if you were the 50 % that did nothing!)
Most of the activities that our kids participate in (school, football,wrestling & normally soccer) are not just given a trophy. They have to earn it and work hard for it.
This past wresting season was a great example of this: In 2013, neither of our sons placed in the end of year tournament and we ended the season with a car ride home full of tears. I would have to say it broke my heart! However, I made a promise and a commitment to them. I promised that I would help with coaching and “WE” would learn and work hard together the next year. We were going to EARN a spot in the tournament.
At the start of the next season, in 2014, Beau (age 6) had been losing more matches than he won. One day at practice, our head coach reminded the boys that the top 3 in each weight class would “earn” a gold medal for their hard work. It lit a fire under both of our sons. Beau worked as hard as the kids twice his age. He worked hard at every practice. When tournament time came, he was not only able to participate, but he ended the season undefeated in the tournament and won the gold medal. He was very proud of himself.
I wish Jack had the same outcome, but it was not the same. Jack did not win a medal, but he had worked hard and as his dad, I wanted to give him a medal like his brother. When Jack walked off the mat after he lost his last match of the season; face all red, covered in sweat, and out of breath showing that he gave it 100%. He was upset, but he did not cry. He did not hang his head in disappointment or shame. He was not angry. He simply looked in my eyes and said “I tried my best, I did not get a medal Dad, but I will next year!”
Lets help our kids EARN their way. Lets encourage them to work hard as children, so they will learn to work hard as adults. Lets teach them to do their best as children, so they will do their best as adults.
Remember that what they are learning now carries them into adulthood and many adult life-lessons are learned as children:
Lets show them that if they want the PRIZE, they have to work hard… When they are adults, they will know that if they want that house, they have to work at their job. If they want a healthy marriage, they have to work at their relationship. If they want their dream job, they have to earn their way.
Agree 100%! We are dumbing down accomplishment.
So true. I have a lot of friends and family that work in the education field. You should hear the stories of how long the awards ceremonies are. They have to create something for everyone!
I’m not a huge fan of participation awards, and am highly annoyed my 9yo has a shelf FULL of trophies for rec sports…his friends that play competitive/travel sports have enough to start a museum at this point, but, I think it starts with adults. Every runner in a 5K, marathon or tri receives a medal. Why is that? They showed up and finished the race. Most of those runners train for months and get the same reward that the gal who entered the 5K on a whim last week received. Don’t even get me started on school awards…my Kindergartener received one for “Personal Development” last year…she had no clue what that meant and neither do I. :/
So I guess I should not enter that 5K this weekend! HAHA. I don’t think I could run a 5k! the kids pretty much wear me out. I agree 100%
I completely agree. How will our kids learn to fight for what they want if we go around rewarding them for doing not so much? Love this post.
I would love to give out awards for everything for my kids. The “cleanest room award” or the “share the toy award.” Actually that would not be a bad idea, a little motivation maybe. HAHA. Awards are for what you have worked hard for individually and/or as a team. We want our kids to have a self-worth and strive for that sense of “accomplishment.” If we give them trophies for showing up, what about us MOMs and DADs? Thanks for the comment.
Great article. Rewarding our children’s effort is good, and acknowledging improvement is important to their continued growth and development.
But there needs to be a clear distinction between those things and being the best or achieving the highest in a competition or class. Otherwise kids will soon learn that, actually, they don’t have to try that hard, they will get something anyway. Which is not the way the world works, as you say, and doesn’t prepare them for the effort and competition of getting a job, or placing highly in any sort of endeavour.
I think this attitude of not wanting to offend anyone creates in people a corresponding attitude of “I shouldn’t be offended or in any way put out.” This is why the world is full of so many people who feel that they are entitled to whatever they want, purely because they want it and ‘my rights’ or something…
Again, great article!
Thanks Matt, I agree. There is definitely a line that people do not like to to cross when it come to offending people. I really never cross that line, but at times my toes are pressed against it. Kids, and even adults, need to understand what defeat feels like. It makes us stronger all around. I am not perfect in any means and if you ask my oldest “I know nothing about soccer!” Which I really don’t. But I do understand kids. By the way, We did get our fat win of the season and it was at the last game. The Kids were more excited to get the win then the plastic award after the game. Al they really need is a “Good Pat on the Back” just letting them know how well they did!. Thanks again!
I think you underestimate kids. They really know that those prizes mean nothing at all. And i think that they are still disappointed for not winning. I do think that kids who make an effort and do not win need to be praised and get some kind of reward, but not necessariily material.
Thanks for sharing. I know my kids know that they are meaningless, which is why I think we should stop giving them out for everything. I played sports from the time I was 8 and played college football so I have had my fair share of disappointing seasons. However, those reminders of losing made me stronger on and off the field. I pushed my self harder and always had support from those loved ones that surrounded me. I worked hard and was able to play football in college and get a degree. Sports/hard work was a way for me help pay for my education, it was not given to me. I agree that kids need to be praised above all and parents do fail in this area. Honestly, I think they need more praise!. I think the reward issue is up to the parents. I grew up in lower income area and a lot of families could not afford the registration fees for their kids to play. The reward for those kids is the “participation” in the sport alone. We have to remember that not everyone has the ability to play sports or do activities that we are blessed with. I will be the first one to admit that I will take the kids now and then to get an Icee/Slushy after a game!
Thanks! I agree there is much more to life than trophies.